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Blues primer-just a few primary rules


 
3/8/2004 2:27 PM
Le Basseur Blues primer-just a few primary rules
BLUES PRIMER  
 
1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."  
 
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick  
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the  
meanest face in town."  
 
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.  
Then find something that rhymes . .. . sort of: "Got a good woman with  
the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face  
in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."  
 
4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a  
ditch-ain't no way out.  
 
5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues  
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues  
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft  
an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays  
a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.  
 
6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. (Well, except maybe Johnny Lang)  
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to  
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.  
 
7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace  
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just  
clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the  
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any places  
that don't get rain.  
 
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male  
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the  
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.  
 
9) You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting  
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.  
 
10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed;  
d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; b)  
Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses.  
 
11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you  
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.  
 
12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than  
dirt; b) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be  
satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; b) You were once blind but  
now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust  
fund.  
 
13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger  
Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also  
got a leg up on the blues.  
 
14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the  
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or  
bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT  
Blues beverages: a) Perrier; b) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.  
 
15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues  
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to  
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a  
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis  
match or getting liposuction.  
 
16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat  
River Dumpling  
 
17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big  
Willie  
 
18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't  
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.  
 
19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:  
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);  
b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);  
c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.);  
d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple  
Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")  
 
20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you can't  
sing the blues.:D
 
3/8/2004 4:21 PM
Chris ( CMW amps )
email
Deaf Boy Prozac says :
I never wake up in the morning , that's way too early . :D  
 
:)  
 
Chris  
 
Ps : Deaf Boy Prozac : (c)-ed & TM-ed by his lawyer :)  
Wothout kidding : why can only blind guys have the blues .....
 
 
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3/8/2004 4:56 PM
Newt
email
Golf & the Blues
"Bad places for the Blues: ..... d) Golf courses"  
 
There's Mickey Jones' "Double Bogey Blues" which was on the "Tin Cup" soundtrack and is a staple for Beach Music fans and shaggers(the dance).  
 
And "Bogey Blues" recorded by jazz pianist Oliver Jones. I don't don't if it refers to golf or Humphrey.
 
3/9/2004 11:33 PM
Dr. Blues Re: Blues primer-just a few primary rules
"I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you can't sing the blues."  
 
no offense L.B., but you haven’t heard me…  
 
ciao…dr. blues
 
3/10/2004 4:25 AM
Danny Michel
email

ciao.... lol  
 
I'm not sure if that is "Blues" vocabulary you are using there......
 
3/10/2004 1:44 PM
Le Basseur (slight) Rectification of the latest Blues rule
Instead of:  
quote:
"I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you can't sing the blues"
 
please read:  
 
"If you DO own a computer,it's a slight chance you'd may be able to sing/play the blues,if you had a black woman nanny".:D  
 
Aloha,Dr.Blues,and more Blue Notes to you too!;)
 
3/11/2004 3:55 AM
Steve A.
email
Leave it as it was!
Le Basseur:  
 
    IMO it was fine the way you said it the first time...  
 
    So you came up with that list yourself? Congrats!  
 
    Much of the humor on the 'net is just cut and pasted from other emails or sites so it's nice to run across something that is original!  
 
Steve Ahola
 
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