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|3/8/2004 2:27 PM|
|Le Basseur||Blues primer-just a few primary rules|
1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes . .. . sort of: "Got a good woman with
the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face
in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch-ain't no way out.
5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays
a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. (Well, except maybe Johnny Lang)
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just
clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any places
that don't get rain.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed;
d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; b)
Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses.
11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than
dirt; b) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be
satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; b) You were once blind but
now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust
13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also
got a leg up on the blues.
14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or
bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT
Blues beverages: a) Perrier; b) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.
15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or getting liposuction.
16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat
17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big
18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);
c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.);
d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you can't
sing the blues.
|3/8/2004 4:21 PM|
|Chris ( CMW amps )
||Deaf Boy Prozac says :|
I never wake up in the morning , that's way too early .
Ps : Deaf Boy Prozac : (c)-ed & TM-ed by his lawyer
Wothout kidding : why can only blind guys have the blues .....
|Book Of The Day||
The Ultimate Tone, Volume III by Kevin O'Connor
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|3/8/2004 4:56 PM|
||Golf & the Blues|
"Bad places for the Blues: ..... d) Golf courses"
There's Mickey Jones' "Double Bogey Blues" which was on the "Tin Cup" soundtrack and is a staple for Beach Music fans and shaggers(the dance).
And "Bogey Blues" recorded by jazz pianist Oliver Jones. I don't don't if it refers to golf or Humphrey.
|3/9/2004 11:33 PM|
|Dr. Blues||Re: Blues primer-just a few primary rules|
"I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you can't sing the blues."
no offense L.B., but you haven’t heard me…
|3/10/2004 4:25 AM|
I'm not sure if that is "Blues" vocabulary you are using there......
|3/10/2004 1:44 PM|
|Le Basseur||(slight) Rectification of the latest Blues rule|
"If you DO own a computer,it's a slight chance you'd may be able to sing/play the blues,if you had a black woman nanny".
Aloha,Dr.Blues,and more Blue Notes to you too!
|3/11/2004 3:55 AM|
||Leave it as it was!|
IMO it was fine the way you said it the first time...
So you came up with that list yourself? Congrats!
Much of the humor on the 'net is just cut and pasted from other emails or sites so it's nice to run across something that is original!
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