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A new possibility

11/15/2000 6:05 PM
Liam	A new possibility Found this in my mailbox today. Made me laugh, and if anyone's offended - move somewhere with a more effective electoral system (ie not the UK) [QUOTE]NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 9. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for your cooperation. [/QUOTE] (There were actually 10 points originally. One was genuinely offensive, so I took it out.) Liam

11/15/2000 6:05 PM

Liam

A new possibility

Found this in my mailbox today. Made me laugh, and if anyone's offended - move somewhere with a more effective electoral system (ie not the UK)

[QUOTE]NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

9. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

[/QUOTE]

(There were actually 10 points originally. One was genuinely offensive, so I took it out.)

Liam

11/15/2000 6:19 PM
Dean Hazelwanter	ROFLMAO! Please email me with the 10th...

11/15/2000 8:02 PM
J Epstein	me too! me too! me too! me too!

11/15/2000 9:46 PM
Liam	I thought I was bad, but you guys are too much! Liam

11/16/2000 4:55 AM
Hi	I like the idea of "Indecisive Day", but I think it should only start on Nov.7; it should last until, oh, I don't know, as long as it takes, I guess...

11/16/2000 9:53 AM
Dave H.	And me! I always have trouble with #3 when I’m in the USA.

11/16/2000 2:23 PM
Mark Hammer	Re: A new possibility Precious. Simply precious. In Canada, we have a news-satire show called "This Hour Has 22 Minutes", carrying on in the best tradition of The Frost Report, Michael Bentine, Spitting Image, et al., and all the finest (and most savage) satire that Beeb and Granada have produced over the past 40 years (and every bit as good as Goodness Gracious Me). They have a recurring segment called "Talking to Americans", which is probably too impolite to be shown outside of our borders. Breaching security for just a moment, I will simply tell you that it involves the interviewer doing man-on-the-campus-quad interviews at big name US universities, and asking opinion poll questions about foolishness such as the seal harvest in Saskatchewan. In all fairness, the interviewer is a master at persuading the people he's asking opinions from of the truthfulness and seriousness of his questions (it helps that his Newfoundland - officially pronounced like under-STAND - accent makes it hard for folks to tell if he is yanking their chain), and I suspect there are 10 filmed looks of disbelief and laughter on the cutting room floor for every fish that takes the bait. Even so, the sight of some Harvard economics prof voicing stern objections to preposterous and fabricated events in Canada is always good for a chuckle. One day, you too shall know why I long for Marg Delahunty (Warrior Princess) to meet George Bush. meantime, thanks for the morning smile.

11/16/2000 2:23 PM

Mark Hammer

Re: A new possibility

Precious. Simply precious.

In Canada, we have a news-satire show called "This Hour Has 22 Minutes", carrying on in the best tradition of The Frost Report, Michael Bentine, Spitting Image, et al., and all the finest (and most savage) satire that Beeb and Granada have produced over the past 40 years (and every bit as good as Goodness Gracious Me). They have a recurring segment called "Talking to Americans", which is probably too impolite to be shown outside of our borders. Breaching security for just a moment, I will simply tell you that it involves the interviewer doing man-on-the-campus-quad interviews at big name US universities, and asking opinion poll questions about foolishness such as the seal harvest in Saskatchewan. In all fairness, the interviewer is a master at persuading the people he's asking opinions from of the truthfulness and seriousness of his questions (it helps that his Newfoundland - officially pronounced like under-STAND - accent makes it hard for folks to tell if he is yanking their chain), and I suspect there are 10 filmed looks of disbelief and laughter on the cutting room floor for every fish that takes the bait. Even so, the sight of some Harvard economics prof voicing stern objections to preposterous and fabricated events in Canada is always good for a chuckle.

One day, you too shall know why I long for Marg Delahunty (Warrior Princess) to meet George Bush.

meantime, thanks for the morning smile.

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